哭. 有罪.
Those words represent my mood in the past few days. It's my fault though.. my fault that my mood is really down in the past few days. It's not something I will write openly in my blog, just in case someone sees it -___-
As my mom had said, take everything good or bad to make you wiser. Yes, I know that and I don't need any more reprimanding. Sounds arrogant, but I really want to just close this case and never talk about it again. But, my mom worsened my mood this morning reprimanding me again. After giving me a sentence signifying her understanding, the next day is another reprimanding.
BETE. >:(
I know what my fault is, I just needed understanding from people that people make mistakes. My mistake is nearly a grave mistake, but it will not become one grave mistake unless I did this mistake again.
When I see them getting a little angry at me, my mind thinks, I'm going to be with them for only a few months from now, but I said again to myself; with limited time, why not make the best memories..? but I don't know if that is possible or not. I hope I can though. The proverb that says something like beggars can't be picky, I understand that clearly.
Other people who is reading this won't even understand.. I think. Well my point is to ramble to myself on the blog after all...
This experience of mine had taught me a lot of things. How dangerous it could be, how dangerous it would be if I didn't have this host family by my side now, how 'something' could make you regret things, how you realized that your mind doesn't always say what you really want, how it is to step into another shoe, and lots more.
My host mother and host sister are my biggest supporter here. Love, hugs and kisses for them.
The good things happening recently... I don't know... well I said to myself that I am going to spend more and more time with my classmates. Being a Chinese coming to a Chinese country, you look no different with a local. This has caused me to wish for being looked at, being admired, and whatever a unique individual would be treated. I got over it, but sometimes I still think of it.
I'm forcing myself to be someone else.
It sounds stupid when I think of it now. But then, before I realized of course I didn't realize.
There's this classmate of my host sister that looked at me with admiration, and being used to the normal treatment this made me feel strange. Am I really that special? Lol.
I should feel. But I just don't have confidence and always thinks other people are better than me in many ways.
Oh, good things are maybe my drawings. Can't explain how it improved, but I just feel proud. Oh scanner, I really wish you are in my host family's house... cause I really want to upload something to DA... well my school has scanner but of course it's more troublesome cause I need my USB with me if I want to scan, and although a quick upload is possible, I take time when uploading... -_________-"
Chinese? I don't even count any more. I still stutter sometimes and I need vocabularies (all the time). Taiwanese? Don't ask me to speak cause I usually can't speak, but when I hear sometimes I understand.
When I feel sad, I really wish I could go home right at that moment, but no, it would give me more than a thousand regrets. I said to myself, this is something that I had no choice but to encounter, and had no choice but let time go on and on.
I really wished I could say it to my bestie face-to-face, but computer's the only way. She said she got pretty angry, but I suppose it's because I haven't explained all, or it's just that my explaining skills are POOR.
Lunch is coming soon, and I want to surf the net for a while.
