Recent life

哭. 有罪.


Those words represent my mood in the past few days. It's my fault though.. my fault that my mood is really down in the past few days. It's not something I will write openly in my blog, just in case someone sees it -___-

As my mom had said, take everything good or bad to make you wiser. Yes, I know that and I don't need any more reprimanding. Sounds arrogant, but I really want to just close this case and never talk about it again. But, my mom worsened my mood this morning reprimanding me again. After giving me a sentence signifying her understanding, the next day is another reprimanding.

BETE. >:(

I know what my fault is, I just needed understanding from people that people make mistakes. My mistake is nearly a grave mistake, but it will not become one grave mistake unless I did this mistake again.

When I see them getting a little angry at me, my mind thinks, I'm going to be with them for only a few months from now, but I said again to myself; with limited time, why not make the best memories..? but I don't know if that is possible or not. I hope I can though. The proverb that says something like beggars can't be picky, I understand that clearly.

Other people who is reading this won't even understand.. I think. Well my point is to ramble to myself on the blog after all...

This experience of mine had taught me a lot of things. How dangerous it could be, how dangerous it would be if I didn't have this host family by my side now, how 'something' could make you regret things, how you realized that your mind doesn't always say what you really want, how it is to step into another shoe, and lots more.



My host mother and host sister are my biggest supporter here. Love, hugs and kisses for them.



The good things happening recently... I don't know... well I said to myself that I am going to spend more and more time with my classmates. Being a Chinese coming to a Chinese country, you look no different with a local. This has caused me to wish for being looked at, being admired, and whatever a unique individual would be treated. I got over it, but sometimes I still think of it.

I'm forcing myself to be someone else.


It sounds stupid when I think of it now. But then, before I realized of course I didn't realize.

There's this classmate of my host sister that looked at me with admiration, and being used to the normal treatment this made me feel strange. Am I really that special? Lol.

I should feel. But I just don't have confidence and always thinks other people are better than me in many ways.



Oh, good things are maybe my drawings. Can't explain how it improved, but I just feel proud. Oh scanner, I really wish you are in my host family's house... cause I really want to upload something to DA... well my school has scanner but of course it's more troublesome cause I need my USB with me if I want to scan, and although a quick upload is possible, I take time when uploading... -_________-"

Chinese? I don't even count any more. I still stutter sometimes and I need vocabularies (all the time). Taiwanese? Don't ask me to speak cause I usually can't speak, but when I hear sometimes I understand.

When I feel sad, I really wish I could go home right at that moment, but no, it would give me more than a thousand regrets. I said to myself, this is something that I had no choice but to encounter, and had no choice but let time go on and on.

I really wished I could say it to my bestie face-to-face, but computer's the only way. She said she got pretty angry, but I suppose it's because I haven't explained all, or it's just that my explaining skills are POOR.

Lunch is coming soon, and I want to surf the net for a while.

midnight babble

I realize my posts are always so long, except for the short simple ones. And I lack PICTURES!

Unless you are pretty much like me, who could stand reading long blogs of babble, I suppose you're gonna think my blog is boring. All texts and no pictures. I do have actually, but it's just the way uploading and moving pictures here makes me lazy to upload... =___=

It's ten past one now. Over midnight. Holidays really make you want to sleep later, and later and later. Later I gotta clean up the room. Why did I say later? Logically it's already the next day, it's just because I haven't slept so my brain thinks this is still January 23rd. Time difference-- remember that.

Fanfiction.net... I really don't know what I want to write. Maybe I'm forcing myself? I wanted to make a story with my original characters and if possible, make a small manga. Friends always encourage me to make mangas because they think my drawing capabilities are enough to make manga.. though I don't really think so --"

crazed over

This is supposed to be in another of my blog, but somehow I feel like posting it here. Oh well, who cares anyway. I'm still in Taiwan after all. Recent, or maybe not so recent happenings in my life..


HAOU AIREN







OWNED BY MANGAFOX (and whoever scanned and translated it). Original image link: http://www.mangafox.com/page/manga/read/111/haou_airen/chapter.26060/page.13/



I ain't claiming it as mine, since I'm only a reader. Really wish I could buy the book.. if only it's available in my language @__@ (so I can read it any time I want without worrying over computer)

Why did I choose this image? I think the Hakuron on the bottom panel looks especially gorgeous XDDD


Oh yeah. Hakuron Uon. 黑龍




When I read Love Celeb, I thought that Gin was already so handsome (and then changed), and then came Sakuya (changed again), and now... Hakuron! (unchanged) --refrains self from going fangirl mode


He is definitely the most good-looking among all-- well to me. I don't know why. As for personalities, since we're not discussing real men here, let's not talk about that... it sounds like I'm going to go back to my old self crazing over anime guys too much as if they're real.. okay let's move on.


I actually read about this series in Wikipedia. Heard it was popular so I wanted to read, but other than http://www.onemanga.com/ I didn't know many other free online-reading sites. I know there's more than a bunch but I just didn't know. I saw my host sister seeing this free online-reading site but translated to Chinese, and there's this series she's currently reading. My sole purpose of going to the website (http://www.8comic.com/ ) was to search what name was the series she read.


It's just me, to play these little detective games. That web turned out to have an English version, and so I checked. Yay, it has lots and also.. Haou Airen! Sadly, the chapters were unavailable for some kind of reason.


Next resort: google it. And yesh, I did succeed. http://www.mangafox.com/ is mah lifesaver LOL. I became addicted to it, and I became lazy on cleaning my room (I could clean my room with the time I have but I read online manga instead)... I finished reading it in a few days, but not consecutive.


Somehow, listening to songs I listened while reading the manga makes me remember.. I suppose it's normal in a logical way, but sometimes color does too.

The songs I listened while reading Haou Airen were: (I know this is just me, but it's a blog so it's supposed to bear with my babbles no matter what kind it is :p)



It's Amazing - Jem (Sex and The City OST)
Together When... - Ayumi Hamasaki
Prisoner Of Love - Utada Hikaru (Last Friends OST)
Womanizer - Britney Spears
薄荷與指甲(lit. Mint and Nail Scissors) - Rachel Liang (梁文音 Liang Wen-Yin)
Somewhere I Belong - Linkin Park
Perhaps Love (Mandarin version) - Howl & J
Truth - Nobuo Uematsu (FF8 OST - Edea's House background music)


Underlined means like 'reminders'. Maybe more related or something I don't know but my brain just picks it up?

Other examples are like I remember Utada Hikaru's songs for Kingdom Hearts by a certain color; white reminds me of Simple and Clean, and red reminds me of Sanctuary/Passion. I guess that's what you call impression?


RANMA 1/2

Can't say I have just gotten addicted to it. While I'm still in Indonesia me and my little brother love Ranma 1/2 comics and we always look for new volumes :D I love how she makes the comic crazy.


Facebook

Now I check this almost everyday. I open computer, and my email inbox plus facebook is the first I will see. @___@""

Bye bye friendster...


CHINESE

For my holidays I've got personal homework stuffed up. Well I thank my teachers for helping me, giving me a book of Chinese idioms with bopomofo decorating each character so I can read (even though may be very extremely slow), and then old newspapers which also had bopomofo, and two books I borrowed from the library.

I really want to spend my holidays slacking off for some while, since even though my situation is much better than my schoolmates, I miss holidays. Chinese New Year is also close, which means I gotta clean up the room. Darn it... =_= oh well, might as well dig up some lost things. I lost some things, and most probably I forgot where I had put them. Moving to a new house needed a lot of small bags, one heavy sport bag, and very heavy luggage... my host dad even said I still have 6 months to go and it's already this many... woe is me.


Bicycle

Maybe this has been mentioned in the previous entries, but it's because I heard we're going to go cycling in Kaohsiung (高雄). My host mom did say she won't let me go if I can't ride, which would be no fun at all... Of course she's worried about my safety, but not being able to spend with people you're not going to meet for a long time in the future sucks. So, the solution is? Training.


Drawing

I don't know why but today out of boredom I produced some "self-proclaimed"good-looking artworks. I wish I could color them. I want to try submitting colored art in Deviantart, which is one of the reasons why I keep holding back on submitting arts.


MY BOLSTER

I miss it so much. Oh... I remember I named it HAKUTUCHI. When I was little.. oh.


MY OLD BLANKET

The blanket is still in my possession, not broken and all.. however it has changed due to one accident caused by my maid, and many small accidents caused by me.


I wish I could put up a photo here, but I don't take pictures of my belongings often.. maybe it's because I feel okay just by seeing them already. Maybe I've got to change this habit.. though it really isn't a bad one..

bicycleee

yeay i finally at least able to ride bicycle :D:D:D

but i don't think i'm going to the streets now, gotta practice my balance =_= i still go left and right and chances of tumbling is still kind of big...

Sepeda..

Hari ini akan mencoba naek sepeda.. semoga enggak ada yang pake lapangan deh.. ada malu, ada takut nabrak juga.

Taiwan sekolahnya kejam juga ya. Harusnya libur musim dingin malah masuk sekolah lagi.. apa-apaan itu. Untung gw boleh masuk boleh enggak. Ampe harus masuk cemberut deh. Hehehehehe

Goals

Everyone should have goals.

My goals are:

- be able to ride bicycle!
- learn calligraphy
- be more open
- learn chinese macrame
- learn more chinese words

Maybe it sounded like new years' resolutions but well, it's past so it would seem more like personal goals.

BICYCLE.

In Taiwan, many people use them. In Indonesia, people use cars since private drivers are not expensive. With me, I rode bicycle with the two small tires to help, and now I'm facing the two tires bike. I fell down a lot so you might not call that a trauma, because I'm just nervous.

IT REALLY HURT 'DOWN' THERE THANKS TO IMPROPER SEATING.

I suppose my host dad's right, I need a smaller bike first before I can advance to bigger bikes. I am tall, but still..

I think I've written some mental notes in my head. I don't really understand what my host dad told me yesterday, however he did say when the bike is going to fall, I'm not doing anything to prevent it. Maybe that's one of my problems. Braking all the time will hurt me more..

CALLIGRAPHY

A friend's mom taught me and said for a first-time try I'm good. It's fun after all, with my fondness of writing characters and all. Studying chinese painting won't do much with my remaining six months.

OPEN

I do realize I am a quiet person. Not that kind to always stay away from the crowd, however I always feel the need to know more people and all. Teen life...

When you're not invited to a big party, you feel it's unfair. Well it's not exactly a party, but the exchange students gather in that day and you're not invited. Unfair, I know and I missed my outside town exchange friends already. Blaming isn't a solution, no matter how much the devil inside my heart pressured me to @___@"""

It's passed, so I'll just forget about it (though it keeps on haunting me).

In front of my school friends I really feel I could be myself. I don't know why I'm feeling so unfamiliar with the other exchange students that sometimes I cover myself. The real me. Don't ask me why, I don't even know why do I want to do that.

Things happen for a reason, but you don't always know about it.

CHINESE

My first month in Taiwan went off pretty good or maybe so-so, but my Chinese isn't improving well. Big thanks to my host dad. Why? Actually he compared me with last year's Thailand exchange student.

Exchange students in Taiwan would understand that it's unfair. Thailand is like the reigning king or queen in Taiwan's exchange students. Most of them had studied Chinese before coming here, and I suppose that's why they're almost always at the top. Almost always.

But, I did not retaliate. Instead, I thought about it. There are thousands of possibilities what I might do, well maybe yes maybe no. I can just think it's unfair to compare people, and just refrain from studying Chinese any more, since my host family paid for my chinese classes and I could just make them sorry for it.

No thanks, I'm not going to do that. I've read the rules and agreements and what should you do to become a good exchange student. HOST FAMILY DOESN'T OWE YOU ANYTHING.

Yeah, that's a fact. Without them, I wouldn't be able to survive my one year. Maybe it's hard to make negatives become positives, but during my orientation a great person (HAHA) taught us exchange student candidates that if someone did something bad to you, take all the positives it might give; short-term or long-term.

I'm proud that I could make a negative to positive. Not being able to speak Chinese means you won't be able to communicate very well, knowing that in Taiwan not that many people can speak English. You might say I'm considerate, but maybe that's the way I am. I'm not forcing people to speak English to me, instead I think it's me who should improve. I am not in an English-speaking country. If you think logically, it shouldn't me them who makes all the effort (for exchange student's cases)

My four month is 27th December 2008. My mom said that three months would let you be able to speak Chinese already, minus the complicated or harder parts. Three months I'm ok, but of course I have improved more now. My second host family's English is far worse than my first, so I'm glad that I could communicate with them well.

I still need body languages sometimes, but I shall remember words too.

I'm of Indonesian nationality, yet I use English all the time in my blogs. Maybe it's just my habit to type English here.. =__="" but that doesn't mean my Indonesian is poor :p

Life so far

I'm still the worrywart girl.

I'm still the girl who thinks too much.

I still can't ride a bicycle.

--

Life so far, is like any normal life; has its ups and downs. I'm glad that now I can ride bus by myself, and thus I won't have to trouble my host dad or mom in terms of transportation. Well not for school... if only I can ride bicycle maybe I won't have to trouble them...

If someone asks me whether I have a favorite idol.. I will be blank.

If someone asks me whether my life in Taiwan is good or not, I'll say very good. But actually I don't know if that is really how I feel. Maybe yes, maybe no. I do feel grateful to Rotary International for having this wonderful exchange program, but I really don't know if when I say 'very good' is a white lie, or it is really how I feel.

I'm sometimes too realistic, and I feel that I can't say what I haven't experienced. I feel happy being here, but time just flies too fast.

I hate how the school system here makes my classmates so busy it makes me feel that I am disturbing their study time sometimes. They don't look that stressed, but actually they are stressed. They have lots and lots of homework, so they have to spend at least a day of their weekend, or maybe both; to do homework.

In Indonesia, I won't do that unless I do have an assignment due in Monday or maybe Tuesday.

I make my own homework by searching for new words, and write diary in Chinese, etc. I watch TV in Chinese, not caring whether I understand or not.

So far I have improved a lot, especially when in my first day I don't speak Chinese at all. All the Chinese I've learned had ran away from my mind.

This Sunday we'll have a speech contest. I won't aim for the first; I know the Thailand exchange student will win. I know.

Sometimes I feel kind of inferior among the other exchange students. They treat me indifferently, but still... well, as stated above I am indeed a too-much-thinker. I am the only Chinese coming to a Chinese speaking country, and sometimes the fact bothered me.

They all look different, while I look the same. Sometimes jealousy occurs, but I'm not the kind of person who'd be like hateful because of that. I'd rather keep it inside, or maybe just speak to them sincerely and not in a bad way.

Lunch time. Maybe I'll continue this blabber of mine later.